How to successfully melt an Ice Queen
by superninjagurl
Summary: It has come to the Ice Queen's, the ruler of Kurtopia, attention that a certain Pool Boy runs around impregnating the maids and ladies of the Royal Court. / This story contains Kurt in beautiful dresses and Puck in various states of nakedness.
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

Early mornings in the beautiful kingdom of Kurtopia were usually pleasantly calm and quiet. There was the cheerful chipper of the birds, the warm caresses of the newly awaken sun and the divine scents of blossoming flowers. This morning was different from the others.

"Bring me Pool Boy!" a furious voice echoed through the white halls of Fort Hummel. Instantly the humble servants of the Ice Queen set off in a panic, knowing that when their ruler used _that _tone,people could lose their heads. Literally. The Ice Queen was only 16, but did have a fiery temper when something did not go as planned in Kurtopia. Especially when it was inside the castle.

The doors to the Throne Room flung open as two men marched in, dragging a third by the arms. It was a muscular boy with a face which could have been pleasant to watch if it was not for the great defiance in his eyes. The Ice Queen grimaced – Pool Boy did have the most outrageous hairdo. How it had managed to go unnoticed within the castle, the Ice Queen did not know. It should be punishable by death. The two guards let go of Pool Boy and hurried to their emperor's side to kiss his outstretched hands.

"Karofsky, Azimio…" Queen Kurt smiled politely and watched their bowed heads with accomplishment in his eyes. Even the dumbest of Neanderthals followed a great leader. With an indifferent expression, he waved them off to deal with the thug before him.

"Pool Boy, bow to your sovereign, Queen Kurt the Fabulous!"

The Royal Announcer, Artie, had once been a fine officer of Kurtopia's armies, though through a tragic accident with a malfunctioning carriage, he lost the use of his legs. The kind Ice Queen took pity of his dreadful situation and offered him a post closer to home. Though, the lustful glances he shot Lady Tina did not go Kurt by unnoticed. He would see to their marriage arrangements as soon as possible. The criminal before him made a half-hearted bow. Kurt's eyes narrowed. He was one of those, huh? Maybe he should just throw him to the dogs and they could do what they saw fit for such a lowlife.

"Pool Boy, do you have even the slightest clue of what you are doing here?" he asked in a nonchalant drawl, studying his manicured fingernails with a lack of interest. They were perfect, as always. Pool Boy just shook his head, one eyebrow reaching towards his hairline. Or well, lack of hairline. His head was entirely shaved, except for a long stripe in the middle, going from his forehead all the way to his neck. Kurt had to fight his gag reflex if he watched it for too long.

"Then I shall tell you", Kurt continued and adjusted the absolutely divine fabric of his dress. He almost forgot what he was going to say as he studied the material fondly. The silver and metallic tones complimented his skin perfectly. No one had taste quite like Queen Kurt.

"It has come to my attention that _you, _Pool Boy, have entertained yourself with fornicating and impregnating _my _maids and the ladies of _my _court."

He made a pause to glance around the throne room. At his right sat Artie, bashfully glancing at Lady Tina on Kurt's left side. Next to her stood Lady Mercedes who really should have known better, Lady Quinn with her hands upon her belly, Lady Santana who he never really expected any better of, Lady Brittany who did not know better and… euw, Rachel the milk maid. _What _was she wearing? Everyone, except for Tina, watched their feet, heads bowed in shame and disgrace, though he expected that Brittany just followed Santana's example. She was a bit slow, the poor girl. They had all somehow been involved with the punk. His eyes finally landed upon the boy before him. Kurt had expected him to be in a similar state as his girls, that he might even fall to his knees and beg for mercy, but no such thing happened. Instead Pool Boy stood up straight, chest puffed out in pride. He wore a smirk which Kurt wanted to rip off his face with his bare hands… though, he would leave it to Karofsky and Azimio, since he did not want to ruin his nails.

"Is this true?" the Queen wondered softly, but everyone knew it was just the calm before the storm broke loose.

"Hell yeah."

Kurt nearly choked at his own breath by the confident demeanour the offender put on. Many started to shift uncomfortably where they stood, when he came to his feet with a grace no one else possessed.

"So you admit to it?"

"Course, Your Majesty. They've all taken a ride on the Puckosaurus."

Startled laughs and giggles reached his ears. Lady Tina came to the Queen's aid when he faltered for a second or two, shocked and appalled by Pool Boy's words and attitude. _Oh Gaga, please give me the strength acquired to sort this out. _A silent prayer to his Goddess was all it took.

"I will _not _accept such lewd and distasteful behaviour in _my kingdom!"_

His shrill voice echoed through the throne room, making the windows and several servants tremble in fear. Pool Boy did not move an inch, which aggravated the Queen. Even so, his voice was softer when he spoke again.

"I want to send you to a gruesome death, Pool Boy. A gruesome death, preferably involving the discarding of your…" a wicked grin spread across his face when he noticed how Pool Boy put two and two together, flinching at the realization. "… while you're still alive."

He swirled around, a beautiful cascade of silver, metallic and jewels, and relished in the look of sheer horror upon his face. Once again, he sat down in his throne, utterly pleased with himself. He had successfully located his weak spot, his Achilles' heal.

"Though, I am not heartless."

The immediate hope Pool Boy expressed was pathetic and laughable.

"No child shall live without the loving care of two parents, if I can help it", he reasoned and threw a glance towards Lady Quinn and her growing belly. "No matter how despicable the father might be. Therefore, I sentence you…" a theatrical pause. "… to nine months in celibacy. You will wear a chastity belt and I myself, Kurt the Fabulous, shall carry the key to it. You will neither fornicate nor impregnate during this time and if you need to please yourself with some other disgraceful method… tough luck."

He could tell just by looking at him, that he had made a lasting impression. This boy would learn not to disrespect his emperor again. Pool Boy took a leap forward, hurled to the ground before him, fingers clinging onto the hem of Kurt's dress as he cried and begged for mercy.

"Your Majesty, I beg you! I am a sex shark; if I stop moving, I'll die!"

"So be it. No one will miss your company anyway", a nonchalant movement of his hand and Karofsky and Azimio immediately came to drag away Pool Boy from their beloved Queen. He tried to fight them, but was unsuccessful. You really had to admire his spirit.

"Your Fabulousness, _please!"_

"That is my verdict, Pool Boy, and you shall accept it whether you like it or not! You will be taken to the dungeons and there you will wait for the verdict to be executed. Now, Karofsky and Azimio, please take this sorry excuse for a man out of my sight. His presence is giving me a headache."

His two servants only nodded and forced the vigorously fighting Pool Boy out of the throne room. Kurt slumped in his throne, waving his hand lazily in an attempt to fan himself. That had been tiring.

"Berry!"

The milk maid squeaked in horror, but came running anyway. She curtsied before him, though, she did not have the guts to look him in the eye. Kurt smiled pleasantly.

"Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Where's my breakfast?"

**Author's note: This I wrote purely for my own amusement. I hope you will be just as amused when you read it. I'd really appreciate some reviews!**


	2. Interruption

**Author's note: Sorry for the wait, but I have been busy with **_**Move over, Hummel **_**and had to put this on hold. Hopefully, I will find more time for it soon.**

The matter considering Pool Boy had soon been forgotten by the Queen. Sure, the persons who had been... friendly with this despicable _thing _were constantly around him, but the case was never discussed and therefore it did not exist. Instead, the Queen kindly congratulated Lady Quinn to the pregnancy and invited them all onto his balcony for some forenoon tea. A round table and several comfortable armchairs had instantly been located upon his command and brought to the balcony, where they Royal ladies sat down and enjoyed the warm sun and brisk summer day. Rachel the Maid hurried in between them with the very hot tea pot – she was ordered to vanish as quickly as possible since the Queen just barely managed to stay in her presence longer than five seconds before he went ill. By the time she had filled the last cup, he looked visibly queasy and with a terrified squeak, she disappeared through the glass doors. Three days had passed since the very short trial had been held in the Throne Room.

"Quinn, dearest, when are you due?" the Queen asked softly, stirring his camomile tea with a golden spoon.

The stunning blonde (although, not as stunning as the Queen himself) flicked a wild strand of hair behind her ear and smiled in reply.

"In eight months, my Queen."

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I do not know, your Fabulousness."

"Oh, do make sure you tell me when you know. It would be an awful mess if I'd set Alexander to make clothes to a baby boy, when it is in fact a gorgeous little girl."

At these words, Lady Quinn blushed in gratitude. Kurt's personal designer, the one he called Alexander McQueen, was known to the whole kingdom for his beautiful creations all worn by their ruler.

"I will. Thank you."

And so would the conversation go on, if not for the unwelcome interruption. Suddenly, two sweaty and panting boys ran out on the balcony, disrupting the quiet tea party outside. Anger flared in Queen Kurt's bright eyes and he got to his feet at the speed of a Cobra and snapped just as viciously towards Karofsky and Azimio who immediately fell to their knees before him.

"What is this? How _dare _you interrupt my tea party?"

"My Queen, we are sorry..."

"So sorry, your Gorgeousness..."

"But one of the prisoners, the Pool Boy..."

"What about him?"

The entire ensembles' attention turned to the two guards after the mentioning of this particular criminal.

"He... he seduced one of the maids who brought him the evening supper, my Queen. He was halfway out of the castle before we managed to stop him."

First there was silence. An uncomfortable and menacing silence. The Queen seemed to be deep in thought, fingers laced together behind his back.

"So what you're saying is..." he softly began, piercing holes through their heads with his eyes. "... that you two, my personal guards, were outmaneuvered by a... a mere _pool boy? _Neanderthals!"

Kurt made an exasperated and wild gesture, which actually made the two idiotic brutes flinch, as if they feared he was going to hit them. Their fear would have been justified, if it was not for the fact that the Queen would never do anything which might ruin his nails.

"Are you completely and utterly _useless?" _

The verbal bashing continued for a good fifteen minutes and both boys had gotten a fierce (also verbal) whipping before they were allowed to go. Sulking and with their heads bowed, they got out of there as fast as possible. The girls, who all had been eerily quiet during the entire time, shared questioning glances. Did they dare to speak?

"It's depressing how hard it is to find good people nowadays", the Queen said with a deep sigh and therefore urged them to reply.

The second mention of Pool Boy was made two days later. It was a total of five days since the verdict had been passed out and the chastity belt had been successfully made and forced upon the ill-behaved delinquent. Four of the Queen's strongest soldier had gone so far as to wrestle Pool Boy to the ground and only then did they manage to put on the device. The Queen wore the key around his neck in a silver chain which complimented his fair skin perfectly.

Once again stormed Azimio and Karofsky through the doors during a highly inappropriate time. At this time, the Queen was trying out a new dress. The silky fabric was emerald, which brought out the tiny specks of green in his cold eyes. Miles and miles of pale skin was visible and barely hidden by the time the two bodyguards stumbled into the room. Queen Kurt swirled around with a high-pitched screech, his slender fingers immediately trying to shield his body. The Neanderthals' eyes widened for a second or two, they were both obviously shocked by the scene before them, before they fell to their knees and snapped their eyelids tightly shut. Lady Mercedes hurried to Queen Kurt's aid when he for a second or two faltered, while the shock slowly made place for the furious anger. Lady Tina wrapped a jeweled robe around his shoulders and that seemed to be what finally gave him the strength to give them what was coming. They all knew how Queen Kurt saved himself for his wedding night – no man except for his designer was allowed to see him in an less than appropriate outfit.

"Tell me why I shouldn't chop your heads off _immediately!" _he roared, the anger making his nostrils flare and his cheeks rosy red. He had all but reached out for a sword, which would without doubt be handed to him in the matter of seconds, when they begged for forgiveness.

"Your Fabulousness! We are deeply sorry..."

"... so sorry, Your High-Pitchedness...!"

"... but it's about Pool Boy!"

"What now?" the Queen snapped viciously. "Did he once again sneak past your inadequate watch?"

"No, of course not, My Queen..."

"We wouldn't do such a thing again, Your Superiority..."

"But he..."

"Yes, he?"

Kurt had raised one eyebrow menacingly towards them, which made their words tangle up in each other because they rushed so fast from their mouths. A sharp hand gesture from their ruler and they came to an immediate halt.

"Karofsky, shut your big, useless mouth. Azimio, shoot."

After taking a deep, calming breath, Azimio parted his lips again.

"My Queen, I think you better see this for yourself."

The dungeon was the least fashionable place in the entire castle, but it still attained far more class than Rachel Berry would ever be able to pull off. Even though the Queen would rather enjoy watching the criminals rot away in a ghastly cave of argyle, this vague sense of refinement was necessary if he ever was going to step foot in there. Therefore, when he had gotten dressed properly and was escorted to the dungeon, the pristine white carpet was rolled out at his feet and the dusty chandeliers were lit in the ceiling. Azimio led the way towards the prison cell in the farthest corner. He made a gesture towards the cell and the Queen stepped forward. It took some time for his eyes to adjust to the darkness within the confined space. Then, a form sprawled out across the floor caught his attention. Pool Boy. His eyes were closed, plump lips parted and his body limp.

"Is he dead, My Queen?"

**Author's note: I know that Lee Alexander McQueen took his life earlier this year (may he rest in peace), but this is some sort of alternative universe with **_**Kurt **_**at the steering wheel. That is why, in this fic, he is alive.**


End file.
